And It All Hits The Proverbial Fan...

I think perhaps my public commitment to blogging more often may have jinxed me. Since I did that, the [insert your favorite word for excrement] has really hit the fan around the ol’ homestead here. Within just a few days of my last post, my son was in critical condition and spent four days in the ICU, then was transferred to another hospital, where he remains as of now. It’s another one of those things I can’t talk about. However, I think it’s something I may go ahead and talk about soon. I am considering how to go about it, since it hardly seems like anyone can have even the slightest picture of my life recently without some discussion of this issue. To blog about my life and not talk about this borders on the ridiculous, because this matter has overtaken my world for the last few months.

At the same time, there’s been major drama going on at home with my college-age foster son. Major. The kind of stuff that has the potential to tear my family apart – not that we wouldn’t recover, but no one wants that to happen. Except, perhaps, my foster son himself. I guess it’s not fair to say he wants it to happen, but it is fair to say that he does not care how his actions and decisions impact the family. But right now – right at this current time – I will not allow my family to be torn apart. My son needs a cohesive and tight and supportive family unit to come home to from the hospital. And for that reason, I am battling my foster son and his decisions every step of the way. He can do as he pleases at some later time – he is, after all, a legal adult – but right now I’m pulling out all the stops to keep him in line. It’s all much more complicated than I have time to go into right now, but it’s an ongoing battle that I am determined to win. When my son comes home, it will be to a peaceful, unified family without drama. And I will play every card I have to make that happen.

With all of this going on, there was a period of time where I felt as though I’d collapse under the strain of it all. I did start to lose it. Went through a period of being very emotional, crying at the drop of a hat, losing sleep, etc. But then my foster son and I got into a very nasty argument, and that argument actually served as a challenge to me. The gauntlet had been thrown down, so to speak. I am not a weak person; I am a strong, adult woman who has been through many trials in life and I will not let this cause me to lose control. I looked at my office wall, where there hangs a tea towel that someone once sent me. It has words printed on it: “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” And so I did. I straightened up my back, told myself, “There’s no crying in baseball” (some of you may get that reference and some may not – I understand this is not baseball – LOL), and got my second wind. Or maybe it’s my twenty-second wind, I don’t know. But I’m feeling strong right now and I will handle this. All of it. For my son, for my family, and for myself. I’m a tough gal. Sometimes I just have to remember that.

This is all I have time for today, but when I figure out how to approach certain subjects, I will tell more about them. In the mean time, the tough broad in me is taking over. I am woman, hear me roar. And all that jazz.

A Day In The Life...

Ever wonder what one of my “typical” days looks like (if there is such a thing)? Well, probably you haven’t, but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s just part of my recent commitment to blogging more often. So bear with me.

Let’s see… Right now I am house-sitting, dog-sitting and elderly-father-sitting for a friend of mine. My older kids are on spring break at the moment and out on road trips, anyway, and my younger son has been in the hospital (one of those things I can’t talk about). So, there’s no one at my house except the cats and dogs. Which, of course, I have to also make sure are cared for even though I’m doing all this “sitting” (why do we use that word when it is so misleading, sounding so easy?), so I do a lot of driving back and forth between our house and the house where I’m staying. With me so far?

So, I was up until about 3 a.m. last night (well, technically this morning I suppose) doing laundry and handling some matters regarding my son. This morning I rose all bright and cheery (total lie, but that’s okay – we’ll just keep it between us) at 7:30 to make sure that my friend’s father – we’ll call him “Mr. B” – took his morning meds. After that I actually tried to go back to bed for about half an hour because I was really tired, but my friend’s dogs were having none of that nonsense. So I just decided to hit the ground running and take on the day.

Let the dogs out to do their thing while I ran another load of laundry and washed last night’s dishes. Then I hopped in the car and drove over to my own house to do yard work that one of my kids was supposed to do before taking off on his road trip. Do I sound bitter there? If not, I should, so try to “hear” it that way. Because I was rather irritated. Oh, he also didn’t take out the trash. But I digress…

Over at the ol’ homestead I fed and watered our own pets and generally cleaned up the joint. Then I had to spend some time on the phone making doctor’s appointments and talking to the insurance adjuster about our roof. Oh, and this was fun – I had to return a call to CPS (Child Protective Services) regarding a matter with one of the kids, again being something I can’t talk about. I just LOVE dealing with CPS. But it goes with the territory and this worker has actually been pretty nice and of at least average intelligence, so it hasn’t been so bad this time around.

Then, while at home, I packed up some items that I’d sold from my online booth (Rummage Rampage at Bonanza.com – don’t forget to visit!) and then ever-so-smoothly dropped the whole stack of them all over the driveway when I tried to be super cool and carry them all out to the car at once. But what’s a day without the neighbors laughing at ya, right? Headed to the post office after that, and on the way received a phone call from one of my “strays”, who now lives in Vegas. She’s in town, needs to talk, wants to see me. Okay. I will make time, and I’ll call her back, I say.

Headed for the Post Office. Line out the door, as usual. One guy working the counter. Ah, well, I am nothing if not patient (which means sometimes I really am nothing – lol). I’d wanted to use the machine to pay for my postage, but it was down, out of paper. So I stood in line with my 20-foot tall stack of boxes. Well, it was more like three feet tall, but when I’m crabby I like to exaggerate and get sympathy. Heh.

Left the Post Office and headed to the Pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions. Also to talk to Allen – my favorite pharmacist because he’s always straight with me, even more than the doctors are – about some new meds they’re putting my kid on that are kind of hardcore. Allen tells me these really are the best ones for the condition in question, so I am satisfied with that. Pick ‘em up, do a little grocery shopping for dinner (because my pharmacy is in the grocery store), and head out to the parking lot to return that phone call to my Vegas stray. ‘Cause I can’t (and shouldn’t, anyway) talk on the cell phone while I’m driving. By the way, I don’t normally even have a cell phone – this one is borrowed because my friend whose house/dogs/dad I’m sitting wanted me to have one while I was staying at her place.

Talk to my Vegas stray for about twenty minutes and make arrangements to visit with her tomorrow at a Starbucks. Meanwhile, in my head, I just hope I can really afford Starbucks. LOL. But I’m not going to be at my house and I don’t want her coming to where I’m staying because the four dogs here are relentless barkers at strangers, so Starbucks it is. Count the change in the ashtray. Looks like I’m good as long as I get the smallest drink they sell. Ha ha.

Headed back to the house/dogs/dad sitting locale. It’s about 4:30 by now, and I have until 5:30 to make dinner for “Mr. B” and carry it across the street to him. After that I will have to leave to visit my son at the hospital, so I’m kind of on a time crunch. “Mr. B” is a very nice old man, so he’ll want to talk for a minute and ask how my son is doing. Better make that dinner ready by 5:15.

Honey mustard glazed pork tenderloin, garlic and parsley red potatoes, and mixed vegetables with cheese sauce. In 45 minutes – yep, I’m good. Make a plate for “Mr. B”, cover it in foil, and head across the street. He chats for a minute, which I don’t mind, then asks if I will pick up a newspaper for him. Add that to the “to do” list… I tell him I will do that, but probably won’t be back until late, so I will leave it on his doorstep – I promise.

I could really use a shower today, but that’s not in the cards.

Throw on a clean shirt so I won’t smell like someone who’s been sweating over an oven in the kitchen, and head off to the hospital. It’s waaaay across town and traffic is a nightmare. But that’s okay. I am nothing if not patient…

Visit my son. He seems to be improving, so that is good. Talk to a lot of the other kids there who don’t get visitors often (many are in CPS custody and only see their case workers – sad). The kids there flock to me like – well, I don’t know what like, but they flock to me. A few were calling me “mom” by the second night I visited. They are so starved for attention, so sad. Just my taking a moment to look at a picture they drew or praise a poem they wrote gets them all excited. Wish I could take them all home, but of course I can’t. I do give them all my blog address, though, so they can keep in touch with me in the future if they choose to, and if they need anything that I can help with (hate ending a sentence with a preposition, but whatever). Next, I have a talk with my son’s nurse, and I’m off.

It’s 7:15 p.m. by now. I haven’t eaten or showered still today, but that’s okay because eating and showering is for sissies. I head back to my friend’s house, where at 7:30 it is time to check in with “Mr. B” and make sure he takes his medication on time. Of course he asks about my son, bless his heart. Then I head back across the street, feed and water my friend’s dogs, and warm up some of the leftovers from the dinner I made earlier (okay, guess I am a sissy, because I did finally decide I had to eat). I sit down at the computer to eat my late dinner and check e-mails. Several to answer, several I have to put off because they’re inquiring about items that I don’t have here with me, so I make a note to myself that I will find the answers to their questions when I’m back at my own house tomorrow. Add it to the huge list of things to do when I’m go back there. Then I get to work: Do some online research on a few things I brought here to this house with me, things that I’ve marked, “What the heck is this?” I find a few answers, set the rest aside to work on some more later. Type up a couple of descriptions for items to list in my booth, tweet about a few things in my booth (find me on Twitter @thefreelancemom – yay!), answer a few more e-mails that have come in, upload some ready items to my booth, “update” my booth (that’s what you have to do on Bonanza.com whenever you’ve added new stuff). In-between all this, I can’t resist the urge, of course, to check my Facebook a couple of times and throw out a smart remark here and there. Ha ha. Then I make a post to my Facebook fan page for my booth, just so I can make sure everyone knows I’m still here because I haven’t been saying much there lately. Go back and look at my booth, realize a couple of items didn’t come out quite right when I uploaded them, so I spend about 20 minutes trying to figure out how to fix that problem. Get it fixed. My back hurts from sitting in this chair. Time to get away from the desk for a while.

I’ve brought a few boxes with me of stuff that was donated. Take a little while to sort through the stuff. I will be dropping of whatever is suitable at the Tumbleweed Drop-In Center in the morning (theoretically – if no crises arise). The rest I sort into “I can sell this in my booth” or “Goodwill” (which doesn’t mean it’s something bad, just might be a clothing item that missing the size tag or something). Naturally I make a mess while sorting all this stuff out, so then I have to clean the mess. ‘Cause this ain’t my house. LOL.

By this point it’s almost 11 p.m. I call and check on each of my road-trippin’ college kids, because you know they’re not going to call and check in with Mom. And Mom is always going to worry, even if they are “grown up”.

Once they’ve been confirmed as safe and either relatively sober or using a designated driver, I take a little “me time”. Fifteen minutes of doing this “mindfulness” meditation thing that my therapist has me doing (you didn’t think I lived this life and wasn’t in therapy, did you?). At first I thought it sounded silly, but I have a lot of respect for my therapist and I try to be open-minded, so I gave it a shot. Been doing it for about a month now, and I actually find it really helpful. I was surprised at that. It helps me get focused and not me a scatter-brain so much. So, once I’ve done that for fifteen minutes and now I’m feeling all focused and everything…

Back to work. Oh, but wait – not yet because my mother is calling. I didn’t call her after visiting my son at the hospital, and she wants an update about him. My bad. I fill her in, and then get to work. More work on my booth items, which you don’t want to read about in detail. After that, I have some correspondence to catch up with; I’ve been trying to update the info on my resource list for homeless and at-risk youth, so I’ve been communicating with people at the different agencies that I mention there, making sure all the info is still accurate (it isn’t, which is why I haven’t re-posted it in a while).

At midnight, I tell myself I’m going to bed early (midnight is early for me). But then, as soon as I’m in my jammies, the phone starts ringing. My foster son wants to know if I can help him some more with his FAFSA when he gets back (that’s college financial aid stuff, for you who aren’t familiar). Of course I can, I tell him. I don’t feel like being crabby at him, so I don’t mention that he could just have easily asked me that question earlier than midnight. Next call is from one of my strays who now lives in California. She wants an update on my son, also. She gets off work really late, so I can’t get mad at her for calling at this hour. Besides, she probably figured I’d be up anyway. I usually am.

Now it’s almost 2 a.m. and I’m having a hard time falling asleep. I read for a while. Then I try again to doze off, but my friends dogs love me way too much and decide they must fight over positions in the bed with me. Once I’m comfortable, the last of the dogs wanders in and needs help up on the bed because he’s old and can’t make the jump. I get myself up again, lift him onto the bed, and get comfy again. Except I forgot to call in refills on my own medications (having been focused on my kids’ prescriptions). So I get up and make that call while I’m thinking about it; otherwise I will forget. Oh, and I’d better take out the trash or the dogs will dig into it in the middle of the night. Do that. Hear the phone ring again and ignore it. If it’s an emergency they’ll stalker-call me. If it doesn’t ring again within the next few minutes, then it can wait until morning.

So again, having told myself I’d go to bed “early”, I hit the sack and start to doze at three in the morning. Will need to be up at 7:30 to take care of meds for “Mr. B”. Also let the dogs out so they don’t pee everywhere (my friend has the coolest mop, but I don’t love it that much). I’m also determined to get this stuff over to Tumbleweed tomorrow in addition to all the other errands I have to run and work I have to do and making my daily visit to my son, so I’ll need an early start. And so, the cycle continues…

I just hope that tomorrow I get time for a shower. For everyone’s sake.

And that, folks, was my day today. Fairly typical. Different issues, different crises and different things to do on different days, but the struggle for shower time and a decent night’s sleep is pretty much the norm. In any case, here’s a sample of my life for y’all. And I’ve kept my commitment to blogging more often. Yay!

(P.S. – For the record, I actually typed this yesterday and just got it posted today. Not that it matters, I’m just weird about making sure I’m accurate. LOL.)

Gonna Try To Be Better At This!

I should blog more often, I know. I’m not a very experienced or savvy “blogger”, so I often look around for tips and advice on how to be better at it (without making a whole lifestyle out of it – ‘cause I don’t have time for that). Everywhere it says to blog often, blog a lot, etc. This shouldn’t be difficult for me because I do think my life is pretty interesting, but there’s one big problem: Nobody ever wants me blogging about them!

I have lots of kids who have come in and out of my life and my home. A good number of them are grown now, and some are still here, living at home while attending college or high school; all of them are always considered part of the family. Well, most of them. There have been a few over the years, as would be expected, with whom I’ve had to cut ties. But those are far in the minority.

Anyway, not everyone ends up being what might be considered a “success story” (yet… there is always to keep learning, growing and evolving, so I don’t give up on them just because they’re grown). Those young people don’t necessarily want me blabbing to the whole world about them. Some really are “success stories”, but they don’t want me to talk about their pasts. Sigh…

Drug problems, family issues, criminal activities, etc. are all things that they want to leave far behind them, in the past and buried there. And that is understandable. There is always the concern that someone who knows me in “real life” will read my blog, and even if I don’t use any names, they will be identified simply because people who know me – and probably know them – will figure out exactly whom I’m talking about.

I am so proud of one because he used to be “this” and now he’s “that”. On another day I might feel like talking about the difficulties I’m experiencing with “X Kid” due to mental health issues, but “X Kid” wants all that kept on the “down low”. Or I might be upset because “Miss So-And-So” was dishonest with me and caused a lot of problems for our family. But, even though I may be unhappy with her, it isn’t fair to put “Miss So-And-So’s” issues out all over the internet for the world to see.

So, it’s a bit of a dilemma, but I’m thinking about ways to possibly talk about my experiences with “my” kids in some sort of discreet way. I don’t know what ideas I will come up with (I’m open to suggestions!), but we’ll see.

It occurred to me, though, that perhaps I don’t have to talk about the kids all the time, or about projects I’m working on. Especially since I’m not always working on a project, and in-between them, I can’t always talk about the kids without running into the aforementioned issues. I’m thinking, then, that I’ll broaden my proverbial horizons here. Maybe talk about myself a little more (something I should probably get a bit more comfortable with if I’m supposed to be blogging about my life), or tell you all a bit about my past and how it led me to where I am today, or even better – where I’d like to be in the future. Perhaps I should occasionally share some tips on how to live “on the cheap”, because I’m a pro at that! Maybe even – on a sort of related note – I could share some of my recipes for feeding a lot of mouths without a lot of money. See? Ideas are coming to me even as I type! : )

In any case, I’m committing to blogging more often. Making this a more interesting place for y’all to visit. There, I said it – now I just have to do it!

Humbug. Down In The Dumps.

I do my best - really I do, and I'm generally pretty good at it - but even I sometimes can't pull myself out of a funk for a while. This Christmas season sucks.

In the last month and a half, my son has been in four different hospitals. Four emergency room trips, three ambulance rides, two extended hospital stays and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, okay, there was no partridge. But I'm trying to keep my humor here, people.

For a while I had to close my online booth (it's open again now, though - please visit!), and lately I can't even make or keep appointments because it seems every other day there's a new crisis with him. I've stood up the handyman, the plumber, and two of my own doctor's appointments. Shoot, he's missed his own doctor's appointments a couple of times because he ended up in the hospital first! So anyway, yeah, I'm down in the dumps.

I have no idea how Christmas is going to happen around here. We don't have a tree yet or a single decoration put up, and I haven't purchased a single gift. I am absolutely, positively determined that I will get my stockings project for the homeless youth done, come "hell or high water", as they say. But will I get Christmas to happen in this house? Gawd, I really don't know.

Well, keeping it short today. Here's hoping I will be back to my chipper ol' self pretty soon. Just wanted to put an update here for those who read. I try to keep it upbeat, but if I'm gonna be honest, I have to admit when times are hard, too.

Please keep my son in your thoughts and prayers.

This Year's Christmas Project For Homeless Youth

Just a quick update: The Christmas project I will be doing this year for the homeless youth in Phoenix will be... (drum roll please)... stockings! I have been in communication with the director of the Tumbleweed Drop-In Center (a home in central Phoenix that's used as a kind of daytime homeless shelter and resource center for homeless youth) and he is very enthusiastic about the project. He has provided me with names and ages of young people who regularly use the drop-in house so that we can personalize the stockings (he emphasized that this really means a lot to these kids), and we will also be making some blank stockings for any other youth who come in. Staff at the drop-in center will have supplies on hand for last-minute personalization of any blank stockings in those cases.

I have at least one helper so far on this project. If you would like to be involved, please contact me! Also, we're obviously going to need donations. We will need stockings, of course, and also items such as toiletries (small sizes) and socks, and of course fun "stocking stuffer" items. I will provide a list, hopefully by tomorrow, of more of the specific things we'll need.

The shoe drive project is still being worked out, and I should have more info on that within the next couple of days.

My online booth, Rummage Rampage, has still not re-opened, but that is also something I plan to have happening within the next couple of days.

Please stay tuned!

Gonna Need Some Help With This Year's Christmas For Homeless Youth!

Let’s talk about this year’s Christmas for the homeless youth here in Phoenix. When I did last year’s Christmas, it actually blossomed into a Christmas Day dinner/event not just for the youth, but for anyone who had no place (or no money) for that special day. I don’t mind if it turns into that again, by the way. For those of you who were there, you know it went beautifully.

I do need to do some things a little bit differently this year, though. The most important thing is that this year I cannot do it alone financially. Last year I funded the entire event (with the exception of some last-minute donated items) out of my own pocket. I did not even ask for “helpers” until a couple of days before Christmas, and I never asked anyone for any money. Now don’t get me wrong – I would not go back and change a thing. But this year I can’t do it by myself.

The details for this year’s event are still sketchy, but one thing is for sure: There will be one! LOL! I don’t know if we’ll be able to use the same church facility again, but I am in discussions with them. They are having some financial problems of their own, though, and some of their kitchen appliances (primarily the refrigerators) are not working, although they are in the process of trying to get all that fixed. In any case, I can’t be guaranteed the availability of that same space we used last year. Thus, I’d either have to hold the event at my home (unlikely because my home would also need certain repairs before I could accommodate a crowd), or I may have to rent a place.

Another thing that will most likely be quite different this year is that I will need more hands (“helpers”) and probably one main right-hand-person, because I may not be able to attend the actual event myself on Christmas Day. I can do all the work just as before, I can get everything set up, etc., but I may not be able to be physically present on Christmas. In that case, I will need a stand-in to take over and run the show.

Anyway, there’s just an awful lot that’s still up in the air. It’s all being hashed out, and something will get put together. But for the time being, I have to start asking (earlier this year) for help with this thing. I’m going to need volunteers, and I’m going to need some funds. If you’d like to volunteer, contact me either here through my blog or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/RummageRampage is my booth fan page). If you were involved last year, you probably have my e-mail address and can contact me that way (I would post it here, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea?) or by phone if you still have my number. Okay, I don’t care how you contact me, just get ahold of me! LOL!

If you’d like to contribute funds, I have set up a “chipin” page where you can “chip in”. Here is the link for that page: http://freelancemom.chipin.com/shoe-drive-and-christmas-event-for-phoenix-homeless-youth. Sorry – I had no idea it was going to create a link that long when I set up the page. Ha ha. This is my first time using chipin, so if you run into any problems, please let me know. I’m just learning about this myself, so it’s a new thing for me.

So that’s where we are right now, still in the planning stages, but needing to start getting some money together for this thing. I hate asking for money, by the way, so I am a terrible fundraiser. But I really want to do this again for the young people out there, so I’m biting the proverbial bullet. That being said, if any of you who were there last year – and know just how great this was – would like to help spread the word, I would really appreciate it. I realize a lot of people don’t “know me from Adam”, as they say, so your help and endorsements on this could really make a difference.

Once I have a list of people who want to be involved, I will plan a lunch or something where we can all get together and talk. I think it would be really nice if this year – unlike last year – we all got to know each other in advance and could talk about what each of us has to offer and/or can do. I will keep you all posted on that!

Thanks for reading, thanks for helping, and I look forward to lots of fun this season!

The Man Cave

My house is becoming a “man cave”. Kayla (one of my “strays” who lived with us for years) moved out and got her own place a couple of years ago. She still comes over pretty regularly and of course she’s still part of the family, but she’s growing up and has her own life. Then my daughter moved out last month. The last of the feminine influence around here – aside from me – was lost. I have only boys now.

I come home to football gear (and the special aroma that goes with it), guitars and video games strewn around the living room. I have to argue over the TV, fighting for my right to watch “Top Chef” or “Flipping Out” instead of the continuous stream of sports and skateboarding that’s become the background noise in my house. Frankly, even when I do win the battle and get to watch one of my own TV shows, it isn’t the same having to watch them alone. There’s no one here who cares much to share my fascination with Paula Deen or wants to watch a chick flick with me.

There is a picture on the wall by my front door that is slightly off-center from where it should be. Kayla hung it there. I need to move it over about half an inch, but I can’t seem to get the motivation to bother since no one really cares about the pictures on my walls. I want someone to say, “Oh yes, that looks really cute right there!” when I find a new little vintage knick-knack from a yard sale (I love old grandma-looking stuff). The boys don’t care. If it were up to them, I’d hang Pink Floyd and Jimi Hendrix posters all over the living room. Arrrrgghh!

I know what I need to do. Well, one thing I need to do, anyway (I’m sure there are a lot more things). I need to get baking. Baking relieves stress for me, and at the same time it makes me feel all domestic and “mom-ish”. I like it, and it’s one thing the boys can appreciate. What boy doesn’t like to wolf down cookies? Right? I’m just waiting for the temperatures here in Phoenix to drop at least below 100 degrees, though. I can’t afford to heat up the house by using the oven.

Ah, well. I will get over this, or I will find myself a new “stray” who is a girl, or I will just adapt. I’ve always adapted, but sometimes I do it kicking and screaming. Ha ha. This might be one of those times.

But hey – At least I have help here who can move heavy stuff and do yard work, right? Right. Well, maybe not so much without a lot of nagging (I hate nagging). Typical guys they are. Gotta love ‘em, but gotta kick ‘em in the pants. Guess I just need to get my kickin’ boots on and my oven mits at the same time, and I’ll feel back to my old self. If nothing else, I am at least determined to get a nice back yard out of this!

Moms are people, too. I have bad days.

Moving this post to my new home here, originally posted on my thoughts.com blog on 03/01/2010:

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I am in a bad mood today.

Actually, that’s probably putting it very lightly. I am downright depressed today, in a really dark place. These kids – these young people… They very definitely carry the power to let me down, to hurt me, to break my heart. Now, if I were a professional social worker, I would be trained to keep a certain emotional distance. But I am not, and do not wish to be, a social worker. I wish to be a mom to young people who need a mom.

I am the person they call when they need advice, or they need a ride because they’re stranded somewhere. I’m the person who helps them with college financial aid paperwork, if I have been so successful as to talk them into college. I am the one who helps with proofreading papers once they’re in.

I drop everything to run and get one of them when they are in a bad situation. I give them a place to sleep when they’ve nowhere to go. I cook for them, I do their laundry, or I at least provide a place for them to do laundry. I give them my opinion about what might be wrong with the garbage disposal in their apartment, teach them how to make a decent meal for themselves on the cheap, show them how to get a stain out of a carpet. I pack lunches, and run those lunches to them at school or work when they forget them.

When they get into trouble, or they’re already in trouble when I first meet them, I make sure they get to their court dates and I sit there with them. I explain why it’s important to be careful whom you associate with, and where you allow yourself to let your guard down and “party”; I tell them how to be safe. I help them make phone calls and ask the right questions when a personal business matter must be handled. I help them open a bank account if they need or want one, and I nag them about the dangers of over-using your debit card and not keeping track of your spending. I talk to them about what a credit rating is and how not to ruin it. When they get a car, I tell them how to buy insurance, and advise them to keep the registration, but not the title, in the glove compartment.

I loan them a vacuum cleaner, or a baking dish, or a wrench. They call me to ask how to make mashed potatoes or how to unclog a toilet. I sit up with them when they’re sick, and tell them not to take too much of anything that has acetaminophen in it. I put ice on their sprained ankles. I take them to the emergency room in the middle of the night when they are too naïve to realize just how sick they are. I stay and make sure they understand the doctor’s instructions.

Probably more than anything else, I spend time with them and talk. Sometimes it’s at the dinner table, and sometimes it’s when I’ve received a “drop everything because there’s an emotional crisis” phone call. We talk about boyfriends and girlfriends, interpersonal boundaries and self-respect, and relationships that aren’t healthy. We also talk about the ones that are healthy. We discuss birth control, responsibility, drugs, and consequences. Planning a life rather than simply rolling with the punches is a common topic. So are reality TV, nail polish, rap music (ugh), and skateboarding. It’s not always a conversation about something heavy.

Are you getting the picture? Are these the sorts of things your mom did for you when you were, say, seventeen to twenty-something years old? Maybe she still does some of them now. Imagine if you had never had a “mom” in that sense. Imagine your mother was either completely unavailable, in jail, battling (or not bothering to battle) her own substance abuse problems, or just simply didn’t care about you. I believe a mom is important, and not just to small children. And so, that is the role I play for those who need one. I usually enjoy it, but one must be willing to take the good with the bad. I know this. This is not my first rodeo, as Dr. Phil would say.

As I said earlier, if I were a social worker I would be keeping a professional distance. However, keeping a distance is exactly counter to what I try to do. These young people have run into lots of people in their lives who are often helpful, but there’s always that professional distance. You won’t have your social worker’s home phone number, and after 5:00 she’s off the clock. That leaves a gap, and it’s that gap that I try to fill. I’m a mom. It’s what I do.

Thus, I put my heart out there on the line. All the time. I can’t be what I want to be and protect myself at the same time. And so, sometimes I get hurt. Right now I am hurt. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. Each time, I go through a series of thoughts and emotions that make me doubt myself, question whether I am doing any good at all, and often feel like giving up. “Forget it,” I think. “Go get a mindless job at the mall and just take care of yourself. Live with your dogs; they’ll keep you company. Leave these kids to their own devices. You can’t save the world, anyway.”

Those thoughts run through my mind, I worry, I doubt, I lose confidence, I cry over my hurt feelings. And then, at some point, it always passes. I get back on my feet and recover my motivation and move forward again. After enough practice, I am learning to be aware, even while the emotions are churning, that it will pass. So, I just ride it out. My most important goal in this regard is just to avoid developing so much scar tissue on my heart that I cannot love anymore. They put me to the test, these kids, but I’m not ready to give in yet. Even if the temptations in my mind lean in that direction, I know it’s temporary.

Like I said, I’m in a bad mood today. It’s one of those times. I’m feeling sad and angry and resentful and betrayed. Some of the kids have hurt my heart. They’ve lied to me and betrayed my trust and used me, and – in my view – insulted my intelligence by thinking I would not catch on. It happens sometimes. That’s how it goes when you let yourself get attached. But I don’t regret it.

This will pass. Probably not today or tomorrow, maybe not even next week, but it will pass. I thought I would write about it, though, because so many of my blog posts are so chipper and happy, all about all the positive things that are going on and all the great stuff I do with these young people. To sit down and write on a day like this felt like the honest thing to do. Give the complete picture – just put it out there. I’m not a saint, I’m not a perfect mom, I don’t always do the right thing, and I don’t always get good results. This house does not always run smoothly, and it’s not without conflict. It’s certainly not without painful times.

Tonight I will get out of the house for a while. Probably drive somewhere and just sit with a coffee. Spend a little time alone – a precious resource in my life, that alone time. I will think about things; maybe I will make some changes to how I relate with the kids, and maybe I won’t. In any case, I’ll take a breather and get back on my feet. I do not know any other thing to do.

National Homeless Youth Awareness Month

Moving this to my new home here, originally posted on my thoughts.com blog on 11/25/2009:

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So, November is National Homeless Youth Awareness Month. Did you know that? No? Neither did I, even though I deal with homeless youth all the time and make it my business to know this sort of thing. I read about it last week, and ever since then I’ve been grumbling in the back of my mind about how someone isn’t doing a very good job of making the world “aware”. Then I realized that perhaps that “someone” is, at least in part, myself. It occurred to me that rather than complain, I should do my part and try to spread a little “awareness.” So here goes:

In Maricopa County alone (that's where Phoenix is located and where I live, if you're reading from somewhere else) there are literally hundreds of non-government animal shelters (that means I am not counting the county dog pound); I stopped counting after I passed 200. Now, there is nothing wrong at all with operating or supporting an animal shelter, but just for the sake of perspective, do you know how many non-government beds there are for homeless youth? There are eight. Eight. Digest that for just a minute.

Every night, there are over 1900 homeless youth in Maricopa County. Naturally I am more familiar with the numbers in my own area, but perhaps take a moment and see what you can find out about your city, town, or county. I would bet the statistics are relatively similar.

I read online that in the time frame of October 2006 to September 2007, the number of people in shelters with children at some point within that year was 130,968. Now, those are obviously people who are homeless and keeping their children with them. Just from my own personal experience, I assume that most of those children were smaller, not teenagers. I base that on the fact that – again, from my own experience (not citing any sources or pretending to be an expert here) – the teenaged children of homeless parents are often sent off to fend for themselves. They are considered “old enough”, often by parents who have enough problems of their own and cannot carry the load of being responsible for a teen. Or, they simply take it upon themselves to go out on their own. My parents can’t take care of me, they’re too messed up, I’m better off by myself.

So, I can’t tell you the exact numbers, but I think it’s pretty clear by now that there are a lot of homeless families, and logic would tell us that homeless families lead to homeless youth on the streets. But there are more out there than just those kids who come from homeless parents. There are those who have run away from abuse, neglect, or any number of problems at home. There are those who have parents with alcohol or drug problems, and they find their home life to be unbearable, or to be no better than the streets (sometimes worse). Then, of course, there are those who have been kicked out of their homes by parents who can’t or don’t want to deal with the responsibilities of parenting. The reasons vary as much as people and families vary, but the bottom line is: They’re out there. And they can’t take care of themselves.

You might ask “Why not?” Why can’t they take care of themselves? At least the older ones, anyway. The ones that are, say, sixteen years old and up. They’re often strong and able-bodied, so why can’t they just get a job and, although life hasn’t been fair, move on and become a responsible member of society? Well, I’ll tell you why. Put yourself in the shoes, just for a moment, of a seventeen-year-old runaway who has been abused at home. Let’s just use that scenario as an example, and let’s look at your options…

In order to get a job, you’ve got to have a few things. You need transportation, you need to be clean, you need a phone number to put on job applications, and you need your ID and Social Security card. So, basically, you’ve first got to find a place to stay (so you’ve got that contact phone and a place to shower). Maybe you can crash at a friend’s house, if your friend’s parents are agreeable to that idea. If that happens, you’re one of a lucky few. But if not, there are always shelters to go to, right? Well, not always. If you happen to be able to get to the right part of town, and you’re savvy enough (at age seventeen) to find out where the shelters are, and you’re fortunate enough to find an open bed, then you can stay in the shelter. For the night, that is. No phone number to use, maybe no place to shower. But that’s all irrelevant if you can’t even get in, which is likely. It’s harder than most people think to get into a shelter. If no one opens their home to you and you can’t get into a shelter, then you’ve hit a dead end.

Let’s say, though, that one of the two options above does work out for you, and you have a place to sleep and wash. Now you still have the issue of transportation. You’re going to need money for that, whether you pay someone to drive you around or you take the bus (or whatever public transportation). So, where to come up with money? Well, that’s a good question. Beg, borrow or steal, as they say. But now you’re well on your way to being labeled a “street thug”. If you absolutely cannot come up with bus money, you can always try to find a job within walking distance of the place you’re staying. Good luck with that, but it might happen. Otherwise, another dead end.

But what if you are so fortunate or so smart that you’ve managed to overcome ALL these hurdles so far? What if you’ve even found a job, and they’re ready to hire you? You’re good to go, right? Nope. Now is the time when the issue of that ID and Social Security card comes up. Gotta have those to start your job. Maybe your parents took you to get your driver’s license when you turned sixteen. Probably not, but maybe. In that case, you’re lucky. But if not, you can’t get your ID without your parents being there to sign for it. Oh, and you’re going to need your birth certificate to get the ID, too. You’ll need money and – get this – identification to get your birth certificate. Unless, that is, you can get your parents to hand over their copy of it. If they’re not drunk and if they can find it. And if they’re still speaking to you. And if they care. Odds are: dead end.

I don’t need to walk you through all the similar hoops you’ll have to jump through to get your Social Security card. I’m sure by now you can imagine it’s a similar challenge. No ID, no parents to accompany you and sign for it, no card. Dead end.

And thus, no job. But what were you going to do with that paycheck, anyway? Of course you can buy food and clothes, and that’s obviously helpful, but are you going to carry that food and those clothes around in your backpack and take them to work each day, how ever you’re getting there? Because you certainly are not going to rent an apartment. Not if you’re under age. And you’re not going to check into a cheap motel, either. Nor can you buy a car, open a bank account, or even go to the doctor (parent’s permission is required for treatment). So, even if you overcome all those challenges to get a job, you will still be carrying all your earthly belongings, as well as your food and toiletries, around on your back while you “hoof it”. And you’ll also be carrying all the cash from your paycheck. Good luck not getting robbed, since you have to sleep in the park or under a bridge.

Okay, I’ve gone on long enough. You get the point. The challenges and difficulties of homelessness are brutal enough for anyone, but for the homeless youth, they are even more difficult. Downright impossible, frankly, unless you’re some kind of genius and/or very lucky.

Ah… But you’re thinking I’ve forgotten something, right? Child Protective Services, or the Department of Children and Family Services, or whatever they’re called in your area. That’s who these teens should call, right? Wrong. I can tell you, dear reader, from personal experience, that such a phone call is highly likely to go one of two ways: Either the teenager in question will be labeled a “bad kid” for running away and be prosecuted for it, or the answer will be that they aren’t worth the effort for the agency to get involved, due to their age. See, by the time they put a worker on the case, go through all the paperwork and possible court proceedings and such, the darned kid will just turn around and become an adult, and all of that will have been a “waste of time and resources”. Don’t think this doesn’t happen, either, because I’ve heard it with my own two ears. In the process of trying to help, I have been personally told by CPS case workers that they would not get involved because it was a waste of their time and resources. So, basically, the government agency will (not always, but often) handle the situation either badly or not at all.

Before I end this, let me ask you to once more step back into the shoes of that hypothetical seventeen-year-old on the streets, so I can give you some advice: Be very, very careful in doing whatever you have to do to survive. There is no legal way for you to independently take care of yourself, because after all, you’re just a kid, so you have no real rights to handle your own business. However, if you do anything illegal, you will certainly be treated as an adult. Because, after all… Well, frankly, that one has never made any sense to me. But it’s a whole ‘nother topic for another day.

Anyway, dear reader, thanks for taking the time to read this. Now you are “aware”.

Information for homeless youth

Moving this to my new home here (it needs to be updated, but I want to go ahead and make it available here anyway), originally posted to my thoughts.com blog on 09/01/2009:

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This is a list of resources that I've compiled over time and I regularly offer via online ads. I have decided to copy & paste it here, so that it can be accessed at any time by someone who needs the information. Please keep in mind that I live in the Phoenix, AZ area, and therefore some, but not all, of these resources are limited to the Phoenix area.
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If you or someone you know is a homeless teen, or doesn’t have a steady place to stay (also known as “couch surfing”), or is in a bad home situation that they’re thinking of trying to escape, here are some resources and information that may be of help. These organizations/resources offer many more services than those I mention here, but I will tell you some of what I know they have to offer.

Tumbleweed Center For Youth Development
602-271-9904
24-hour crisis hotline: 602-841-5799
Toll-free: 1-866-SAFE703
www.tumbleweed.org

If you are in the Phoenix area, Tumbleweed is the first place I would recommend you call. They have been extremely helpful to many kids I’ve known.

• Serves youth ages 11-22.
• Emergency shelter.
• Drop-in center.
• Transitional living.
• Counseling.
• Tumbleweed will help you with any and all necessities, from a place to sleep to food and clothes, toiletries, literally anything you might need.
• They will help you get your GED. This includes helping you prepare for it, and they will pay for your test. I don’t know for certain that they still offer this, but they gave my foster son a $100 gift card just for passing his GED.
• Tumbleweed has lots of great “incentive” type programs, such as helping you get a job and then giving you rewards (such as gift cards) for certain accomplishments like being on time for work every day, etc.
• Bus passes if you are working or going to school, or looking for work, etc.
• Tumbleweed has a lot to offer, so give them a call!

National Runaway Switchboard
1-800-621-4000
www.1800runaway.org

You do NOT have to actually be a “runaway” to get help from this organization.

• Anonymous, confidential & free crisis line 24/7.
• Helps youth up to age 21.
• Message relay & conference calls: They will deliver a message to your family for you and your parents can leave a message with them to pass along to you. If you give them a message for your parents, they will call them and deliver it. This is a very helpful service if you wish to let your parents know you’re okay, or have some other message to get to them, but do not wish to speak to them personally. Constructive messages only (in other words, they won’t call to tell your parents you hate them or curse them out for you). If you would like to talk to your family personally but feel that things won’t go well in the conversation, they will help you call them via conference call and stay on the line with you to help talk through things.
• Referrals to drug rehab facilities, shelters, family counselors, etc.
• Information regarding legal and medical issues.
• “Home Free” program: If you’d like to get home, but cannot afford it, they can provide a free Greyhound bus ticket. There are qualifications you must meet. For example, you must be between the ages of 12 and 20 and have had a missing person’s report filed on you. Up to age 18 you must be returning to a parent or legal guardian. If you’re age 19 or 20, they can get you a ticket to an independent living facility. There may be other rules as well, so please check with them.
• Bulletin Board: On their web site, www1800runaway.org, they have a bulletin board where you can post questions and get answers. It is a wonderful place to start if you have internet access and you have questions about things like what age it is legal to leave home in different areas of the country, emancipation, legal issues, how to help a friend who is in a bad situation, etc. The bulletin board is really great, and I cannot stress that enough. Very, very helpful.

Covenant House
Covenant House “Nine Line”: 1-800-999-9999
www.covenanthouse.org

• Their motto: “Food, clothing, shelter for a night: given freely, with no questions asked, no strings attached, for any hurting, homeless youth who will knock on our door tonight.”
• Nineline hotline services available 24/7.
• Urgent and primary medical care free of charge to homeless, runaway, and at-risk young people ages 21 and younger. Psychiatric services also.
• If there is not a Covenant House located in your city, the Nineline will help you with where to go. They also refer to family shelters if your entire family is homeless.
• Provides shelters, help with employment, finding a place to live, etc.
• Mother/Child program: Provides services to homeless pregnant women and young mothers with children. The purpose of the program is to provide long-term housing, health services, counseling, employment training and parenting skills workshops to young mothers so they and their children can look forward to a brighter, more stable future.

ChildHelp USA
1-800-4ACHILD
www.childhelp.org

• If you believe you are being abused, ChildHelp is a good place to call and discuss it, and what your options are.
• Does not provide immediate shelter.

HomeBase Youth Services
602-254-7777 or 1-888-254-4297
www.hbys.org

• Helps at-risk and homeless youth between the ages of 18-21.
• Local to the Phoenix and Tempe area.
• Very helpful, respectful, and non-confrontational (in other words, they will offer you help without pushing anything on you). No obligation, no questions asked.
• They have a Street Outreach Van that is stocked with food, clothing, water, hygiene supplies and sleeping bags.
• Resource Program at the Dustin D. Wolfswinkel Center for Youth: Through the program youth receive basic needs, case management, and life-skills training. Resources available at the center include food, clothing, hygiene supplies, laundry and shower facilities, bus tickets, employment skills training, resume writing assistance, support for educational needs, mental health care, substance abuse intervention, case management, medical and dental care, and referrals to obtain overnight shelter and/or permanent housing (either at HomeBase or with an outside agency). Youth are able to earn points for their hard work and, in turn, use those points to obtain gift cards, extra bus tickets, and other prizes offered at the monthly barbecue that's held at the center.
• Offers mental health and substance abuse services to the youth in all of its programs.
• Employment and education services: Employment skills training and educational assistance is available. They will also provide study guides for your G.E.D., and they will pay for your G.E.D.
• HomeBase Education Assistance Fund: Want to go to college, a trade school, or a vocational-training program? You can apply for a scholarship through this program.

Stand Up For Kids
1-888-365-4KID
www.standupforkids.org

Call this hotline and you will get a very friendly, very helpful person who will talk through your situation with you. They won’t judge, they won’t tell you what you have to do, they will just talk to you and find out what you need right now. Then they will help you get it. It’s that simple. They operate, as they say, “like a family”. Lots of resources from food and shelter to counseling, helping you plan your way, etc.

...and then there’s me...
Cheri Mason
Salmagundigeneral@yahoo.com

I’m a mom, that’s all I am. I am not a trained social worker, an expert on anything, or a miracle worker. But... I’m pretty good at coming up with ideas, problem-solving, or just listening. I also happen to have been around the block a time or two, and I’ve seen just about everything, so you’re not going to shock me and I’m not going to judge you. If you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need from the above resources, or you feel like you’re a little lost and not sure how to ask for help or what questions to ask, or you’d just like the advice of a mom who doesn’t work for any official agency, contact me. I will do what I can, and I have found that there is almost always an answer that we can find together.