I’ve written this blog post four different times. Seriously.
I hadn’t posted here for a long time, and I felt like I should. I also had closed down my little online shop, and I felt like I should get it open again. I’d stayed away from Facebook, too, and people were starting to ask where I was. So I started writing up a blog post, but I scrapped it. Again and again and again.
The first time, I thought it sounded too negative. Too much of a downer. A few years ago, I used to blog more often about more fun things – activities we were doing, funny stuff the kids did. Then, starting a couple of years ago, things started getting really difficult. When I looked back over my blog, I noticed that more and more I’d posted about troubles, and I didn’t want to make another post like that. I wanted to say something upbeat, something positive that was going on. So I tossed out the post I’d written and decided to mull it over a bit more.
There just wasn’t anything positive going on.
I tried again. That time I thought I just sounded fake. I’d tried writing about my current situation, but sugar-coating it a little with an “I’m keeping my sense of humor” spin. Ugh. I have never been a good liar.
My third attempt was just boring. It sounded like a list of medical procedures and perhaps a commentary on the healthcare system. It also sounded – I thought – like I was possibly complaining and hinting that something like Obamacare should swoop in and fix my problems. I’m not and I don’t. And I have no desire to get political on my blog. So, I scrapped that one as well.
Now here I am at my fourth try, and I’m determined to get this posted. I need to do it because I need to get my toes back into the water, so to speak. I need to get back in the game, at least to some extent. I’ve isolated myself, and I need to TALK. But not too much, not just yet. Because if I talk too much right now, it’s going to sound like one of those first three attempts, and I will end up tossing this.
My situation just isn’t good right now, and there’s no sugar-coating it, so I won’t. But I also won’t blather on and on. Fear of being a “downer” has kept me quiet, but maybe being quiet has just made things worse, made me even more of a “downer”, and I think I need to start turning that around.
The truth is I’m ill, and I’ve been unemployed since 2011, I can’t work (I’m really not hire-able with this condition), I’m uninsured, and I’ve sold off everything I can to pay doctors. I even sold my car. The truth is I have tapped every resource available to me, and there’s no more money to pay any more doctors. The truth is it took almost two years for me to get an accurate diagnosis (which still isn’t “official” on paper because there is a test I can’t afford, but my doctors know what I have), and now I can’t afford the treatment anyway. The truth is I will probably qualify for Medicaid under this new expansion that came with Obamacare, but the truth about THAT is that I am really struggling with having to accept something to which I’ve been philosophically opposed, and I’m struggling with accepting that I am not capable of self-sufficiency right now. The truth is that without a car anymore, I am isolated in my house most of the time, and I spend my days trying to figure out how to keep the lights on. Sometimes I have to choose between food and filling a prescription for pain medication, without which life is intolerable. The truth is that, although I’ve finally cleared my house of homeless kids (it wasn’t easy and it took a lot to convince them all that I just can’t do this anymore for now), I miss the bustling home I’m accustomed to and the silence is killing me. The truth is it bothers me beyond words that I can’t help my kids with anything right now, but rather I have to ask them to help me. The truth is this sucks.
There. It’s all out on the table. This is where my life is, for now. I would get into talking about my medical condition – it’s not like it’s a secret – but that would just turn this post into more than I wanted it to be. I just wanted to get back into feeling in touch with the world out there. That’s all. So, I will talk about that later.
The truth is I will figure this out. Posting here was my first step toward that. So thank you for reading and for hanging in there with me. I really do appreciate it. I can’t tell you how much.